Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Tuesdays With Phineas Redux

'Gabrielle Has a Bad Day'

There’s a little story attached to the following series of pictures. Be sure and follow the plot closely now, please —


“Hi’ya, little one. What’s your prob’s? Eew!”


“Eew!, is right, Golden Goddess of Love—or something! So you got a bargain handful of clothes-spells from the Delphic Oracle when she had a ‘off the back of a wagon’ sale, eh! An’ you used one o’those spells for a beautiful satin gown for lil’ ol’ me — except, as I’ve just found out, the spell had a ‘Sell-by Date’ somewhere back in the third century BC, and now anything it’s put on just melts in the sunlight—as you can see. Well?”


“Oo-er! Did I do that? Gosh! I suppose you’ll be wondering if I can, er, reverse it back? Difficulty there, Goldenlocks, is they’re all ‘one-use & throw away’ spells. So I can’t help ya, I don’t think. Tough, ain’t it. Is that, er, sort’a messy, an’ gooey, an’ nasty?”


“You ought’a be ashamed of yourself.” Callisto wrinkled her nose and sniffed haughtily. “Why, even I wouldn’t stoop so low. How could you behave in such an awful way t’little green-eyes here. I mean, she’s so cute.”

“Please don’t call me that, Cally dear.” Gabrielle was rapidly approaching the Land Where Crazy People Live, and it was beginning to show in the emerald sparks flashing in her eyes. “So, Aphro, what’s it t’be—a showdown right here; or I take you in for trial at Fort Worth in a week’s time. Which’ll it be?”


“OK, OK, let’s not get our ‘you know what’s’ in a twist. I got it under control; I can handle it. Er,—er,—er. Lem’me think a minute.”


“You better come up with something quick, Valley Goddess.” Gabrielle was losing it at a rate of knots now.

“Yeah, come up with something—”

“Can it, Cal.” Gab snarled, with animal intensity. “The Pink Doll here’s gon’na bust her beautiful little brain findin’ the answer, or I’ll know the reason why not!”

“Too true—Gab’s’ll know the reas—”

“Give it a rest, Evil Bi-ch from Hades. I can work this out on my own, thanks.” Even Gabrielle’s voice sounded more like Xena’s now—on a particularly bad day. “Well, ‘Dite? What’s cookin’ in that empty receptacle where most other people are accustomed to keep their brains?”

“Awww! I’m workin’ on it, OK!”



“Hey, Joxer! Got a job for you. Y’can help try an’ get this God-awful stuff off me.”

“When you say—‘Off me’, what exactly d’ya mean, Gabs?”

“I mean come over here, an’ start pullin’ this mess off my pretty white skin. An’ watch where your fingers go, or I’ll do somethin’ awful t’you—directly after I’ve done somethin’ awful t’the Pink Goddess over there.”


“Great Athena, this is disgusting.” Gabrielle sniffed in a mixture of pity, anger, and spiralling insane rage. “If you put your hand just once more where you put it a second ago the Joxer Family ends right here, OK?”

“Gods, I can’t help it, Gabs. You’re covered in grotty, sticky, stretchy, goo. What can I do?”

“Rrrr! Someone’s gon’na pay for this.” Gabrielle showed her pretty white teeth. “An’ I’m beginnin’ not t’care exactly who. Just as long as agony, gore, an’ screamin’ feature prominently in the proceedings!”


“Eeew! That is sooo what shouldn’t be happening. I think I’m gon’na throw-up!”


“OK, I think I’ve found the Reverse Spell. Just close your eyes, Gabs. Y’might feel a little dizzy an’ wobbly on your pins for a moment.”


“I’m there already, Pink Lotus Blossom of My Heart.” Gabrielle’s tone did not reflect the delicate charm of her words. “Just remember, I have many skills now—so watch it, babe! Make me angry, that’s all I ask, just make me angry!”


“Who’s been a very naughty Goddess of Love, then?” Callisto thought she might as well carry on milking the situation for all its poetic intensity. After all, she didn’t get a chance like this often. “Who’s a baad, baad, Goddess of Love? Why—Aphrodite. Who’d a’thought?”

“Cal,—bugger off.” Gabrielle, on her part, thought it well nigh time to show her butch side. “Or I might have’ta get Amazonian on your ass. Just a friendly warning.”

“Phooey, I’m out’ta here. I know when I’m not wanted. See ya, gals.”


“There we are, I knew I could do it.” The Pink Wonder stepped back with a wide grin. “Always knew there was nothing t’worry about. Y’should really have more faith in me, my little pet.”

“I don’t want faith.” Gab was still ever so slightly irritated. “I want clothes that don’t turn t’goo an’ stick all over my—, er,—all over me. D’you know how embarassing it was to have Joxer help me like that, Goddess?”

“Aww, swee’pea, that ain’t fair. I was just tryin’ t’bring a little sunshine into your life. It was that nasty Delphic Oracle.” Aphrodite nodded, with regained happiness. “Who was t’know she was sellin’ out’ta date goods. There’s laws against that, ain’t there? ‘Bye, sweetie, see ya later!”

“Oh, Gods, I suppose so.”


“ . . an’ then Aphrodite said it’d be quite simple. An’ then I was wearing the most beautiful satin gown. An’ then I walked out in the sunshine, an’ it melted—all over me. An’ then ‘Dite had trouble remembering how to sort it. An’ I got Joxer t’help try an’ get it off. N’ then ‘Dite finally got the right spell, an’ I was back t’normal. Gods, what an awful day, Xena.”

“There, there.” Xena gently curled her fingers in the tearful Amazon’s golden locks. “Let’s go back t’the Inn an’ have a beaker or two of wine, then spend the evening t’gether. D’ya wan’na spend the evening t’gether? With me, I mean?”

“Damn right, Princess. Come on, let’s go.”


Gosh, what an epic. The things that happen to an Amazon when her guards down! What’ll our beautiful heroines be getting mixed up in next, I wonder?


~Phineas Redux~

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